As a former classroom teacher, a parent to four children—including kids with ADHD diagnoses—and a parent coach specializing in supporting parents of complex kids, I’ve had countless conversations about kids and motivation. Just this week alone, I’ve faced this challenge with two of my own children, discussed it with a friend frustrated with their child’s resistance, and helped several of my coaching clients navigate the same struggles, both at home and in the school setting. Whether it’s homework, chores, practicing an instrument, brushing teeth, or getting dressed in the morning, kids often drag their feet when it comes to non-preferred tasks—often labeling them as “boring.”

If you’re tired of hearing, “I don’t want to!” “This is boring!” or “I can't do this!”—you’re not alone. It’s easy to feel frustrated and think, "My child should just do what I say because I’m the parent." That belief often leads to power struggles, where parents resort to control tactics like threats, punitive consequences, or yelling to force compliance. Some parents focus so much on obedience that they miss what’s actually driving the resistance in the first place.

These reactions might get short-term results, but they don’t address the root cause—and they often make future cooperation even harder. Instead of fighting the same battles over and over, a mindset shift is needed. When we stop focusing solely on obedience and start looking deeper at why our kids are resisting, we can pair that insight with real, effective strategies that actually help them with whatever is getting in the way.

The good news? There are research-backed explanations for why kids struggle with these tasks—and proven ways to help them move forward without constant battles. The first step is understanding what’s really going on when kids resist certain tasks. 

Why Do Kids Resist Non-Preferred (aka “Boring”) Tasks?

As part of the 3D Parent approach, I always like to start off my getting a sense of direction by making sense of what might be going on for children and their parents. With that said, there are three key reasons kids usually struggle with motivation when it comes to tasks they resist:

1️⃣ The Power Struggle: Counterwill & The Instinct to Resist Control

The first reason kids push back isn’t about laziness—it’s about counterwill, a term first introduced by Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank and later expanded upon by developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld.

What is counterwill? It’s an instinctive resistance to being controlled or told what to do—especially when kids don’t feel connected to the person making the request. It’s not defiance for the sake of defiance, but a subconscious way for kids to assert their autonomy.

2️⃣ The ADHD Brain 

For some kids, especially those with ADHD symptoms, motivation works differently.

• A neurotypical brain operates on an importance-based system: "I need to do this because it’s necessary and a priority."
• A neurodivergent brain operates on an interest-based system: "I need to do this because it’s engaging, exciting, or urgent."

This means that if a task doesn’t feel immediately interesting or rewarding, kids with ADHD or similar challenges may struggle to even start it. Their brain doesn’t generate the same internal motivation that comes more naturally to neurotypical children.

3️⃣ Executive Function Challenges

Executive functions are the brain’s self-management skills—the mental processes that help us plan, organize, start, and complete tasks. These skills include things like working memory, impulse control, emotional regulation, and task initiation. When executive function (EF) skills are underdeveloped, everyday tasks can feel overwhelming or impossible to begin.

One of the biggest EF struggles for kids is task initiation—the ability to start a task independently.

For kids with lagging task initiation skills, the issue isn’t necessarily that they don’t want to do the task. Instead, their brain has trouble figuring out where to start or how to break it down into manageable steps. This can lead to:

• Feeling overwhelmed by the size or complexity of the task.
• Avoidance or procrastination because they don’t know how to begin.
• Anxiety about making mistakes or not doing it “right."
• Shutting down because their brain can’t organize the steps in a way that feels achievable.

This is why some kids will sit paralyzed in front of a worksheet, stare at a messy room without making progress,  or need constant reminders to just start. It’s not defiance—it’s an underdeveloped executive function skill that needs direct instruction and support.

 How to Help Kids Get Started on Non-Preferred Tasks

1️⃣ For Kids Who are Showing Signs of Counterwill: Try a Relationship Focussed Strategy

💡 What Helps?

✅ Connect Before Direct – This is a discipline strategy that emphasizes building connection before giving instructions or corrections. Based on relationship focussed, discipline with dignity principles, it helps reduce resistance by ensuring that a child feels emotionally connected and oriented towards the caregiver before being asked to follow directions.

✅ Option 1: Engage With Your Child and Whatever Currently Has Their Focus (Great for When You Have A Few Minutes)

Since kids are more likely to cooperate when they feel connected, start by engaging with them and whatever has their attention before making a request.

Example: Transitioning from Play to Homework

Instead of:
🚫 "Turn off the video game and start your homework right now!"

Try:
✔ Sit next to them and ask about the game: "What level are you on? Who’s winning?"
✔ Make eye contact, share a smile, and show interest in what they’re doing.
✔ Then say: "Okay, let’s pause the game in once you finish this part and start homework. I'll watch you and cheer you on. Yay! You did it. Ok, show me how you save and pause the game. Great! Homework time. Let me grab you a snack while you get started."

This small shift builds cooperation because they don’t feel forced—it feels like a natural transition.

Example: Getting Ready to Leave the House

Instead of:
🚫 "Put your shoes on now! We have to go!"

Try:
✔ Get down on their level and ask a question to start a fun conversation.
✔ Keep chatting about that topic while handing them their shoes to put on. 

This simple step helps kids feel more engaged and less resistant.

✅ Option 2: Gamify the Task (For When You Need Quick Cooperation or is Playfulness is a Personal Parenting Strength)

If time is tight or if it's more your style, use playfulness or friendly competition to spark motivation and inspire cooperation.

Example: Racing to Get Dressed

🚫 "Go get dressed right now!"
✔ "Let’s race! I bet I can put on my socks faster than you can put on your shirt. Ready? Go!"

Example: Making Brushing Teeth Fun

🚫 "Brush your teeth!"
✔ "Can you brush your teeth while singing the ABCs backward? Let’s see!"

Example: Turning Chores Into a Challenge

🚫 "Clean your room before dinner!"
✔ "I’m going to play one of your favorite songs on  Let’s see how much we can clean before it goes off!"

Kids are wired to respond to challenge and play, so adding an element of fun can make a dreaded task feel more doable.

2️⃣ For Kids with ADHD or Those Who Struggle with Intrinsic Motivation: Identify Strategies to Increase Motivation 

Since neurodivergent kids are interest-based learners, they struggle with "boring" tasks because their brains don’t naturally generate motivation unless something feels engaging, exciting, or rewarding. If the task itself lacks appeal, we can hack motivation by making it more stimulating.

💡 What Helps?

✅ Introduce Novelty – The ADHD brain loves newness—so switching up the approach can refresh motivation.

✔ Try doing homework in a different spot (under a fort, outside, on a whiteboard).
✔ Use different tools (colorful pens, a fun timer, a silly voice).
✔ Add sensory input (chewing gum, sitting on a yoga ball, listening to instrumental music).

✅ Turn It Into a Challenge – Making a task competitive (even against themselves) triggers engagement.
✔ “Can you put all your laundry away before the song ends?”
✔ “Let’s see if we can do this in under 5 minutes—GO!”

✅ Tap Into Passion & Interests – Kids engage best when they see personal value in a task.
✔ Instead of: "Write a paragraph."
✔ Try: "Write about your animal or make up a new superhero."
✔ For math: "Let’s calculate how much money you’d have if you sold 100 Pokémon cards for $3 each."

✅ Use the "Task Sandwich" Strategy – If a child resists a non-preferred task, sandwich it between two things they enjoy.
✔ Preferred Activity → Non-Preferred Task → Preferred Activity
✔ Example: "After playing outside, we’ll do 15 minutes of homework, then you can watch your show."
✔ This creates a predictable pattern, reducing pushback.

3️⃣ For Kids with Lagging Executive Function Skills: Teach Skills and Offer Support

For some kids, the challenge isn’t just motivation—it’s not knowing where to start. Task initiation is an executive function skill, and when it’s underdeveloped, children struggle.

💡 What Helps?

✅ Use Visual Timers – Time is abstract, which makes tasks feel endless. Seeing a countdown helps create urgency and make time tangible.
 ✔ “Let’s set a 5-minute timer and just see how much we can get done.”

✅ Chunk the Task into Micro-Steps – Instead of giving one big instruction, break it down into smaller, actionable steps.
✔ Instead of: “Clean your room.”
✔ Try: “Step 1: Pick up the clothes and put in your hamper. Step 2: Put books on the shelf. Step 3: Bring cups to the sink. Step 4: Put stuffies in the basket ”

✅ Use Body Doubling – Many kids with EF challenges focus better with another person nearby.
 ✔“I’ll sit with you while you start your homework. You work on the first problem, and I’ll check emails next to you.”

✔ “Let's do this chore together. I'll unload the dishes while you unload the cups."

This helps model focus and provide external accountability.

✅ Teach the “Just Start” Strategy – The hardest part of a task is often the first step. Teaching kids to just do one small action builds momentum.
 ✔ “Just write one sentence.”
✔ “Just put one toy away.”

Often, once they start, they keep going—but getting over that initial hurdle is key.

✅ Use External Cues for Accountability – Many kids need visual or verbal cues to stay on track.
 ✔ Checklists make tasks feel more structured.
✔ Reminders & alarms help kids switch tasks without feeling rushed.

When a child struggles with executive function skills, the goal is not to push them harder but to provide and teach them tools and offer support to help their brain engage in the task. By recognizing task initiation as a lagging skill, we can reduce frustration (for parents, teachers, and kids alike) and help them build the confidence and strategies needed to succeed.  

Final Takeaways

It’s easy to get caught in the frustration of a child refusing to do something they don’t want to do. The instinct for many parents is to push harder—to demand obedience, enforce stricter consequences, or resort to threats or yelling. But when we take a step back and examine why our kids resist, we can approach these moments with more clarity and effectiveness.

Resistance isn’t the same as defiance—it’s often a sign that a child is feeling disconnected, unmotivated, or overwhelmed. Some children push back against control due to counterwill, some struggle to engage because their ADHD brain thrives on interest rather than importance, and others simply don’t know where to start due to lagging executive function skills. When we shift our mindset from “My child should just listen” to “What’s making this difficult for them?” we can move away from power struggles and toward real solutions.

The goal isn’t to force compliance but to build cooperation, motivation, and independence. By connecting before directing, making tasks more engaging, and providing structure and support, we set our kids up for success—not just for the moment, but for the long run.

So the next time your child complains, “This is boring!” or refuses to start a task, pause and ask yourself: What’s really going on here? With the right approach, you can help them build the skills and confidence to tackle even the most “boring” tasks—without the battles.

(Photo by Santi Vendri on Unsplash)