Welcome to episode 102 of the 3D Parent podcast. Today I'm going to be talking about the challenges that arise when we have kids struggling with motivation. This is a really common challenge for lots of us with our kids who struggle sometimes to find motivation when it comes to school, getting good grades, getting their homework done, studying.
Sometimes it lays out with kids not being motivated to do the chores that they are supposed to be doing or that you have asked them to do. Sometimes kids struggle with. Just basic life skills, things like getting out of bed on time, their hygiene, brushing their teeth, taking showers. Sometimes this can be a challenge for kids because there's some underlying issue.
Things like ADHD, which can is a difficult one when you have a neurodivergent brain, a brain that is wired differently, kids with ADHD or autism, anxiety, things of that nature. Sometimes it can play out with low motivation or difficulty being motivated to do certain types of things, especially things that are not fun and
nature for kids who have ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence. It also can play out when kids are going through social challenges. Maybe it can be a period of low motivation in response to some changes going on in their environment or in their social world. That can also be other learning disabilities besides ADHD that can
lead a child towards having difficulty with motivation. It also could be something that might be diagnosable like anxiety or depression that can impact a child with their motivation. However, There can be lots of reasons why kids struggle with motivation, and let's be honest, all of us struggle to be motivated to do certain things in our life, whether we have an underlying diagnosable condition or not.
So let's dig in, and make sense of the problem with low or lack of motivation in children. And what we can do as parents to support our children, if we're experiencing this and also some solutions for this. So first and foremost, we need to get our sense of direction using my D of the three D parent approach of direction, getting our sense of direction by Making sense of what's going on here.
We need to understand why our children are struggling with motivation. So I have my three scan the situation questions that I use when I'm trying to get my sense of direction. And the first one is. Is it my child? Is there something going on for my child? Well, like I already mentioned, you need to kind of think about your child and do a bit of observation and critical thinking about what you're observing and find out, ask yourself, is there something underlying going on for my child?
That is impacting their motivation. Things like I already mentioned, ADHD, anxiety, depression, learning disabilities, neurodivergence, autism, social challenges, or perhaps challenges having to do with addiction to either substances, screens, or gaming. That could be something that's going on that's impacting your child's motivation, so ask yourself those questions.
Additionally, is there something going on for my child? Maybe it has something to do with their self esteem or their self worth. If your child has low self esteem, low self worth, they might be walking around feeling like they're not capable, or they're not good at things, and therefore it's impacting their motivation to even try, so they give up, or don't even start.
That can sometimes be getting in the way with a child's motivation. Perhaps it has to do with your child's frustration tolerance, kind of related to the previous one. If your child really struggles with frustration, they may not want to try things that frustrate them, or they may start and immediately give up or stop.
stop. So they're not motivated to push past that frustration because their frustration tolerance is low. Now that can be tied to some underlying issues or it could just be your child's temperament. Another thing also similarly related is perhaps your child who has a really low boredom tolerance. If things aren't fun, They don't want to do it again.
That can be sometimes tied to an underlying condition like ADHD. But again, your child may just have a hard time feeling bored, or maybe they haven't had a lot of practice at it because there are a lot of easy solutions when they get bored. So they don't actually have the opportunity to do these more boring, mundane tasks very frequently.
Or, they just struggle with it in general. Another thing that can be getting in the way of your child's motivation is how much they care about the things that are unmotivating. If your child doesn't care, or perhaps their caring feelings are somewhat turned off, they're defended from their caring feelings.
Perhaps they're a child that kind of walks around just kind of with a chip on their shoulder, they're cold. They've lost their caring feelings. So they're not motivated. By Oh, doing something because they want to be leasing or endear themselves to their parents, their caregivers, their teachers, or perhaps they're closed off from their own feelings about themselves.
They don't care. They're walking around with this kind of like, whatever attitude. That might be something to take a look at a child cut off from their feelings, especially their more vulnerable feelings. The second scan, the situation question is, is it me? Meaning is what I'm observing and labeling as low motivation or a lack of motivation in my child.
Is it me? Really, not that at all. It's something having to do with me and perhaps my expectations. Maybe my expectations of my child are unrealistic. When it comes to schoolwork, this might look like a parent caring more about their child's grades than the child does. Maybe a parent who's struggling a bit with their child's performance.
Maybe At school or on the sports field, things like that. Maybe a parent who's struggling. Oh, gosh, that reflects negatively on me. I don't want people to think my child doesn't have good grades or isn't really strong athletically. And so this lack of motivation is really just a different level of You know, desire to perform at the level at which you wish your child would be forming at versus where your child is comfortable.
So that might be a you issue and not your child's issue. There's nothing wrong with, you know, B grades, C grades for that matter, passing grades or passing grades, but perhaps your child Is not really as academically motivated, and it's just not who they are. They're much more interested in the arts or sports.
And so you're putting a high level of expectation and your child just kind of is comfortable operating at the level they are. So it's really about an imbalance of expectation versus lack of motivation. If your child doesn't necessarily have a goal to achieve straight A's or to be the best. baseball player on the T ball team or the baseball team.
Well, it's not really a matter of low motivation. It has to do with priorities. It has to do with goals. And maybe yours and your child's do not match up. you might also, it might be a problem about you when it is kind of like a rigid, expectation. , you're wanting things done at a certain time or in a certain way.
And it's not about a lack of motivation. It's about you want things done your way or in your timeframe. And you're maybe not as flexible as you need to be. You're not working with your child and partnering with them to figure out when they are motivated to do the things that you're wanting them to do or that they need to do.
So it might be a matter of inflexibility versus low motivation. Perhaps it's an expectation that you have for your child to do something at a certain time, which is a time when your child is motivated to do something differently. And if you had some flexibility and worked alongside your child, perhaps you'd be able to find a time when your child is
more willing or motivated to do whatever it is they're not doing that you wish they were doing. More about that when I get into my solutions. Another thing that could be a you problem, a parent problem might have to do with difficulty managing your own frustration, your own stress. And perhaps you're focusing on your child's apparent lack of motivation because it's more convenient to focus on that than it is for you to focus on your own causes of stress or frustration, your own tolerance with things not being perfect or the way you want them to be.
And you need to do a little bit of introspection, a little bit of work around your managing your own expectations. The third scan the situation question as it relates to motivation, is it us? This is an important one to highlight here because what you may be labeling as a lack of motivation really may not be that at all.
It might be about resistance and your child is very motivated, but they're motivated to Push back against you and your perceived maybe controlling, attitudes or the way in which you're going about trying to get your child to be motivated. It may really be about counterwill and resistance rather than low motivation.
So ask yourself, gosh, is it us? Is it a relationship issue? Does my child maybe feel overly controlled by me? Are they seeking some more autonomy or control over the way in which they do these things that they need to do or you want them to do? Is that really the issue instead of lack of motivation?
So that's something for you to be thinking through. Those three questions, when you're trying to make sense and get your sense of direction around why this motivation seems to be lacking or low in your child. So let's say you do that scanning the situation exercise and you do come up to the realization that, yeah, my child really is struggling with motivation.
What can you do to support your child who is struggling with motivation? Well, first we'll start off with what not to do. What to avoid. You want to avoid lecturing. You want to avoid shaming your child. When we start lecturing our child or shaming them about you're not motivated, you should be doing these things, it just makes our child shut down more.
And it is impacting your relationship with your child, which leads me to the next thing to avoid, which is avoid fighting over these things that your child is not doing that is not going to help your relationship and that relationship is going to be a really key factor in coming alongside your child and helping to support them with their motivation.
So do not do things that will impact. Your relationship with your child negatively. Another thing you want to avoid is minimizing their struggle. There's no point in arguing with your child about an emotion they're experiencing when it comes to this thing that they're struggling with. Your child is finding something difficult to do.
It's hard for them. And let's be real. We all struggle with different things when it comes to motivation. Some things that are difficult for us as individuals. Are easy for our children or other people and vice versa. We're all different. And just because you may enjoy folding laundry and your child does not, does not mean one of you is right, one of you is wrong.
And it also does not mean that just because you find it easy to accomplish that your child should be able to also find it easy to accomplish or motivating to do so. We do not want to argue with your child's. It's struggle or minimize it or make them feel bad for struggling with certain things. We need to validate their emotions that they're experiencing and normalize them.
Oh gosh, it's really hard for you to be motivated to do your homework. I get that. It can be hard for a lot of people to be coming home from a school and immediately diving into homework. So validate the experience, normalize it, to not just dive right in and tell them that they should not be feeling that way because that is just not true.
They should be feeling how they're feeling. Those are their feelings. They are valid. So do not talk your child or shame them for their feelings. Another thing you want to avoid is risking your child from their struggles or over accommodating. Let your child experience the natural consequences that come from Not kind of seeing things through when they're a lack of motivation to do things they need to do, catch up with them.
Oh my gosh. Those natural consequences can do a lot to motivate a child to not maybe delay in the future. Great example of that in my own household is laundry. My kids take over doing all their own laundry duties at age 12. They do. Participate in up to age 12, but at age 12, they're all on their own. Well, gosh, if they're not motivated to do their laundry when it's their day, their time to have the laundry and dryer machines at their disposal, and then their laundry piles up and they're having to do two or three weeks worth of laundry at a time.
Wow. Is that a great natural consequence to experience? Similarly, if they're not. able to find their uniform for their soccer team because it's still in the laundry that they didn't do last week. Wow. Is that a natural consequence they're going to have to learn from? So don't rescue your child because that might actually help them find motivation through this experience with natural consequences.
So don't rescue your child from their struggle. The other thing that you don't want to do is overly rely on coercion or rewards or punishments as motivators for your children. I'll talk a bit about more about that and where it can be beneficial or helpful to utilize. External motivators, but also recognizing that if you are really relying on those two heavily, it can get in the way with your child's development of their motivation, particularly motivation that comes from within the intrinsic motivation.
So what can you do? Those are kind of the things to avoid. What can you do instead? Well, first, like I already started off talking about, you got to get to the root and figure out where this struggle is stemming from and where necessary. Seek extra help. Like I mentioned, sometimes struggle with motivation is a result of things like ADHD, learning disabilities, mental health struggles, anxiety, depression.
Also like I mentioned, perhaps a struggle with addiction. So if you're concerned about these being part of the cause of low motivation, please seek the support of doctors, mental health professionals as soon as possible. It may require a multi pronged approach to help your child with low motivation, particularly if it's stemming from an undiagnosed or yet to be diagnosed struggle, like I just mentioned.
If your child's struggle has to do with school and they don't have diagnosable learning disabilities, at least that you know about, It can be helpful to get help through the school. So reach out to teachers, let them know your child is struggling with motivation around their schoolwork, they're studying their homework, and recruit them as help, as allies.
Similarly, you can reach out to school counselors at your child's school if they have them, which I hope they do, or resource support specialists, which of course are, possible if your child has a 504 plan or an IEP when they have learning disabilities or diagnosable conditions. So seek support to help with issues having to do with low motivation, with school grades, performance of that nature.
The other thing you want to do is recognize that whether or not your child does have a diagnosable condition, you can do a lot to support your child, but identifying what is getting in the way for your child. diagnosable condition or not, helping your child identify what's getting in the way will be, , the first step towards trying to help to support your child.
So what else could you do? Well, if your child has low self esteem, low self worth, talks negatively about themselves a lot, you want to try and address that with your child. There's this well known quote, in order to build self esteem, you have to do esteemable acts. So helping your child recognize that that low self esteem may be stemming from not accomplishing goals.
So that right there can be a good motivator. What's something you want to accomplish? What's something you want to do? Help your child goal set and then make a plan with your child you. To be able to reach that goal that will help build more of that positive self image, more of a positive mindset and positive self esteem for your child.
So help them do more esteemable things, reach those goals that can be helpful. Another thing you can do if you feel like your child has that negative mindset is to teach them a bit about Neuroplasticity. Well, maybe you're thinking what on earth is that? I don't know about neuroplasticity. How can I teach my child about it?
Well, just kind of to summarize very very Briefly, this is very well researched and studied area of neuroscience Neuroplasticity. I'm going to read you a quote here by Dr. Lori Desautels , I hope I'm not butchering her last name, the pronunciation there. Dr. Lori Desautels is the professor of the College of Education at Butler University.
Dr. Lori Desautels is a professor in the College of Education at Butler University. And here is her quote from an article that I read when I was doing my research for this podcast. And this is just an article from Edutopia. And I linked to that article and other articles I used in my research to the show notes.
So if you want to know more about neuroplasticity, you can go to the show notes and click the articles to find out more about that. But getting to the quote, here it is. Neuroplasticity is how our nervous system produce and create feelings, thoughts, and behaviors through a process of structural and therefore functional change.
How? Every time we think a thought and generate a feeling, we install neurological hardware that impacts our well being in all moments. So basically, that means that Negative thoughts and beliefs wire the brain for negativity, positive thoughts and beliefs do the opposite, wire the brain for positivity.
So if your child is like, I'm never going to try to study for this Spanish test because I'm terrible at Spanish, I'm going to fail the test. You're wiring your brain. for negativity and more likely you're going to have a negative outcome. Instead, you can teach your child about wiring your child for positivity.
Okay, I can do this. I can learn these new Spanish words and prepare. I can find resources and tools so that I can be successful in Spanish. When you have those positive thoughts and beliefs about yourself, it will be more likely to become true. So help your child learn about this really interesting thing called neuroplasticity and use it to their advantage.
Another thing that you can do, okay, this is probably the most common suggestion when a child has low motivation or no motivation, and that is to use positive reinforcements. Those are those extrinsic motivators, and this is a very common solution that you'll find Oftentimes suggested. There's a time and a place for these.
They can be good. They're really helpful in just getting things done. They do have their time in the place. And I'm talking about here things like token systems, sticker charts, earned privileges, when, then, meaning like when you get this done, then you can do this. That's my when, then, earned privileges mindset.
Sometimes if it has to do with chores. Parents might tie chores to money or allowance. Those are extrinsic motivators. The benefits of extrinsic motivators are that they're efficient, they're easy to implement for parents and caregivers, and execute and track. So those are the benefits. The drawbacks, though, it doesn't do much to foster internal motivation.
So, therefore, the benefits are temporary. When the rewards stop, Or they become less novel or exciting. So do the chores or the behaviors that you're trying to motivate through these extrinsic motivators. The other thing is it has little to no impact on self esteem. Kids who are working to earn something, win something, get a sticker, get a reward of some kind.
It doesn't really do much for their self esteem or it's very, very minute because then as soon as they earn that thing, Olga have to work towards the next thing to kind of get that boost the self esteem. So it's not sustainable way to build self esteem. So, You can use those. They can be helpful, beneficial.
Again, if you're trying to be really efficient, they can be helpful. I sometimes will use those external motivators if I need help with something. And I'm asking my kid to do something that's kind of like outside the realm of typical expectations. Hey, are you wanting to earn a little bit of money?
Here you can earn some money if you do this job for me or something like that. It's an extrinsic motivator. I'm not doing much to really motivate my child to want to do something just out of the goodness of their heart. However, sometimes I just want to get the job done and it's quick and it's easy and efficient.
So sometimes you might want to do those things. It also can be helpful to do an extrinsic motivator. If you're trying to achieve or impart a new habit or a short term goal for your child, that can also help sometimes. So the kind of like more long range beneficial counterpart to extrinsic motivators are those intrinsic motivations, and those can really happen through relationship so motivation through The relationship with your child again, the deep connection, one of my D's and the 3D parent approach, deep connection, having that deep connection with your child is motivating.
Children naturally want to endear themselves to their parents. Parents and caregivers, when they're securely attached, it's a natural instinct. We don't have to coerce it. Also, those caring feelings, those endearing feelings, translate to, again, intrinsic motivation, where kids have this instinct to listen, follow, take directions from their parents, teachers, and caregivers, just because of that strong, deeply connected relationship.
So the, Purpose to this approach is to teach responsibility and for our children to develop altruism. Basically, we're teaching responsibility because it feels good when our children accomplish things without getting something for it. It feels good. It also feels good to be in service to others, particularly those that we care about.
It feels good. So we're building our children's development of altruism, doing things just to do things out of the goodness of our heart. That being the motivator is a beautiful thing we want to be nurturing in our children. The other benefits of this method is that it deepens family bonds, strengthens connections.
The drawbacks It takes time and patience on the parent's part, and it also might take more effort on the part of the caregivers. You can't just quickly come up with some type of a bribe, a carrot, or some type of a threat and immediately get action. So we do have to be more patient when we are using this approach.
But it is the approach that is going to lead your child towards emotional maturity towards becoming the kind, caring, altruistic child, motivated child that we want them to become, particularly if they're approaching adolescence and adulthood. Other things you can do that takes advantage of having that strong deep connection is a strategy called Body doubling.
Body doubling is something that we talk about particularly in the neurodiverse community, folks who have ADHD, who struggle with motivation, struggle to do things that feel overwhelming, where body doubling basically says do it together. Do it in the company of friends, of caregivers, of siblings, of people that you have relationship with because it's easier to do things together.
So that might be doing the same task together. For example, okay, you've got this big pile of laundry. I'll come sit down beside you. We'll play some music together and we'll tackle it together. You're both helping each other out. Your body doubling your child is actually actively participating in this chore that they need to get done that they don't like to do.
You're doing it with them and because you're doing it together, it's getting done. Other things that can be really helpful to use body doubling are homework. You don't have to do the homework alongside your child and like spoon feed it to them. If it's really just about, Hey, let's, you got homework to do.
I've got some emails to return. Let's just bring out our laptops, sit down next to each other and both do work together in the same space. That's also body doubling. You can also just say like, Hey, I'll keep you company while you get something done. Just being in the same present, being in the presence of somebody can help.
to be a body double and help motivate somebody who's having a hard time getting things done. And then last suggestion that I have, which is my favorite and where I'm going to spend the ending of this podcast is strategies that empower your child to find their solutions. So why does this work?
Well, all people are motivated to do some things. The key is to tap into what those things are and use it to one's advantage to help us get through the have tos in life. And one of the best ways to do this is to create some structure around that and do so in a strategy that I'm calling creating a motivation menu.
What is a motivation menu? A motivation menu. It's a wonderful tool that adults and kids can use. But in this case, I'm talking about helping your child create a motivation menu. This strategy enhances motivation, energy and focus by incorporating activities that stimulate the release of
dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. So when we can tap into things that our kids like to do, their brain chemistry supports it and they get things done. Now, before I go any further, I want to go ahead and give credit for this idea where it is due. This is not my own unique idea.
I've just adapted it for the purposes of how I talk about. using this strategy, but it was born from this idea from a content creator and ADHD author and YouTube creator named Jessica McCabe. She has a wonderful website, our YouTube channel called How to ADHD. She's also the author of a recently released book, how to ADHD and insiders guide to working with your brain.
And she has this concept that she calls a dopamine menu. And so her dopamine or dopamine menu is what I have adapted to create what I'm calling a motivation menu. So it's this very similar idea. I do not want to take credit for this lovely idea. I want to 100 percent send it back in the direction of Jessica McCabe, but talk about how I have adapted this idea for these purposes, because not everybody who struggles with motivation also has a diagnosis of ADHD.
So this is something that can be used across the board for anybody who struggles with motivation. So why is it a good idea to introduce to your child? Well, it promotes positive well being. Engaging activities that stimulate dopamine releases can improve your child's mood, reduce stress, and enhance overall their health and emotional well being.
It also obviously increases motivation. Dopamine, this, Brain chemical plays a key role in motivation and goal directed behavior. So by incorporating dopamine boosting activities into your child's routine, they can increase their motivation to pursue their goals, aspirations, or the have tos in life.
The have to do the homework, have to do the chores, things of that nature. It also enhances their productivity. So, Dopamine helps regulate attention and focus, making it easier to stay on task, be productive, and get things done sooner. So when you include dopamine boosting activities in your schedule, you will improve your performance, your concentration, and ability to get things done Faster.
Another benefit of the motivation menu is it teaches independent healthy habits. So when you incorporate dopamine boosting activities into your routine or into your child's routine, your child learns how they can take care of themselves, how they can find balance, how they can learn to prioritize activities that bring joy and fulfillment and experience those alongside the activities that maybe are harder to do and don't evoke joy, reward, and fulfillment naturally until they're accomplished.
So this is a great way to teach your child independent, healthy work habits. And then additionally, and finally, it supports the development of executive function skills. Dopamine and this motivation menu can play a crucial role in motivation attention, and learning. You can use this menu to help your child develop important skills like goal setting, time management, and self regulation.
Alright, so it sounds pretty good, right? How do you create a motivation menu? Well, first you have to understand what it is and get to know the categories of the motivation menu. Well, Because we're talking about a menu, you could probably guess that the categories are broken up by parts of a menu into appetizers, entrees, sides, and desserts.
So here's what each of those categories represent- appetizers are quick five minute or less mood pick me ups. So there are things that you might do to kind of quickly give a little boost of dopamine to the brain to increase attention and focus and get and improve an overall mindset. So that might be doing 10 jumping jacks, or some breathing exercise, perhaps doing a quick wordle, word puzzle, or setting a timer for five minutes and doing a free draw, playing music, a favorite song.
Those are all things that are appetizers, things that you would do for a quick pick me up a little boost of this dopamine. Entrees, these are longer activities. So these might be things that you would sandwich in between the activities that your child is struggling with motivation. So the entrees are things they love to do, but they take more time, more than these little quick little five minute pick me up.
So things like playing an instrument, gardening, building a Lego, doing a more in depth craft project. Meeting up and having a play date with a friend. Those are all entrees. Sides are things that your child can do alongside activities that they find to be boring. So that might be handling a fidget.
That might be eating a little snack, having a little snack, a healthy snack I should say, next to an activity they're doing. Perhaps it has to do with playing music in the background or A podcast or an audio book, or it might be having a body double. Like I talked about previously, either a parent or a friend, maybe, your child can FaceTime or use Zoom to, videoconference with a friend or family member of theirs and body double while they do a boring task.
Now, of course, sites don't work for all activities. If your child is trying to study for something, maybe some instrumental music. And the background could help, but in general, sides just work pretty well for those boring, mundane tasks. Things like brushing your teeth, folding laundry, cleaning up your room.
Things like that are great to use sides as these motivators. And then the fourth category is desserts. So these are occasional indulgences that a little bit in moderation is fine. Too much of. will not be beneficial. So these are things that have to do with screens, scrolling social media, watching YouTube, watching Netflix, texting, things like that are desserts.
So those are perfectly fine, but can overtake your ability to be motivated. So we have to use those carefully. If we're already struggling with motivation, we don't dive into a dessert or the chances of us or your child being able to be motivated to do those hard tasks are going to be greatly reduced because desserts give high fast dopamine hits and they can make it harder to do the tasks that do not deliver a lot of dopamine.
Okay, so those are different categories. So How do we create a motivation menu? Well, first, understanding those categories and what they mean. Second, brainstorm the activities. So help your child brainstorm a list of activities that fit into each of those categories. Things they find enjoyable and rewarding and stimulating.
Things they like to do. Consider whatever activities resonate with your child personally and what They also hope to achieve by incorporating them into their routine. This can be a really great way for your child to use some critical thinking skills and figure out, when they brainstorm something, okay, what do you think?
How long does that take? Does that sound like that would be a good entree or that more of a dessert? Or is that a side? Help them place these into the appropriate categories. Include a variety of activities that fit into each of these categories, a diverse range of activities. will help this strategy work because it keeps your child engaged.
So think about activities that stimulate lots of senses, lots of different interests or areas that your child is already motivated in, in terms of their goals or personal growth. And that's how you create the motivation menu. Now, how do you use it? So when your child is struggling with motivation. point them towards this motivation menu that you have created together.
The first thing you want your child to do before just selecting something randomly is to help them do a bit of a mood body scan and set their intentions. So before your child just Choose is something off the list. So that actually taking a moment to reflect on their current mind state, their current mood, the current energy levels and what their goals are.
It's not going to be really beneficial. Then you help them choose the activity or activities that will align with their intentions and will help them achieve their goal. Or the task that they're struggling with or and their desired state of mind to be able to best accomplish that. So I'll give you two examples here.
So let's say your child needs to do a boring chore. Let's say they have to fold their laundry and , that laundry has been sitting there for days. They're clearly struggling with motivation. So in a way that does not feel like you're shaming or blaming, Once the context of connection has already been established, you're just hanging out with your kid, things are, you've got a good vibe, you've just been chatting with them, say like, hey, I want to see if I can help you with something that seems like you're having trouble being motivated to do, folding a laundry.
Then the next thing you want to do is say, I just want to get a sense of where you are right now in terms of your state of mind. I know you have a free afternoon. So I know you have the time to fold your laundry. So what's getting in the way of you right now, doing that task, help your child do a little bit of a scan.
Are they feeling like frustrated? angry? Are they feeling, you know, some kind of way that is getting in the way? That is good information. Then you get to figure out what it is that they're trying to get done and what might help them do it. So if the state of mind is maybe negative right now, they're not going to be able to do much.
So maybe what your child needs to do is first select an appetizer to get , that boost of dopamine to get them into a state of mind going to be more conducive towards accomplishing that task. Then, because we're talking about something folding the laundry, that really lends itself really well to picking out a side.
So ask your child, do you think picking out a side will help you get it done? Okay, which one? Go to the list of sides that they have brainstormed. Oh, listening to a podcast. Great. Let's find a fun podcast that you can listen to. And that will be your side after you do your appetizer after, let's say your child is selected, doing 20 jumping jacks.
So once you do those 20 jumping jacks, you're going to have that boost of dopamine. Now you're going to go ahead and you're going to play that podcast as your side. And then it might be helpful to also select. an entree. Perhaps an entree that they can look forward to once they have accomplished this task.
That could help. Or perhaps, hey, your child has four hours free. Maybe they want to do the entree first. And then after they've done that, they'll feel really great in this really great state of mind. They've accomplished something. And then they're going to have the motivation afterwards with a side
to help them out. Help your child make a plan. You're just there to kind of help them brainstorm and problem solve. I'll give you one more example just in case it's not 100 percent clear yet, and this is from personal experience with my daughter yesterday. She, is playing the lead in a musical play.
She has to memorize a massive amount of lines, of monologues, of songs, and lyrics, and it's something that stresses her out. So she feels overwhelmed and anxious and sometimes Procrastinates and does not feel motivated because she's in this negative mindset. So this was a case yesterday and she knew she wanted to get some stuff memorized, but was just struggling with motivation.
Well, I've already done a motivation menu with her. And I said, okay, let's use the motivation menu. So she'd already identified feeling overwhelmed and anxious. So we knew that she needed to do something to kind of get her mindset changed. And she decided to do a quick Pick up of her room while she played two of her favorite songs for my daughter.
Cleaning up and organizing her room is a dopamine provider for her. That works for her. That helps her calm her anxious mood, her overwhelmed mood. So she chose that. And when she finished that, we made a plan of how she was going to get through doing this task. She. Couldn't really use a side for this. She had to be very concentrated when she was memorizing.
So we looked at what her goals were for the day. We broke up into chunks what she was going to accomplish. So she was going to memorize a monologue. She was going to review monologues. She was going to memorize the lyrics to a song and she was going to memorize the lines of a particular scene. So there are four things that she wanted to accomplish.
So what we decided to do was to sandwich one of the appetizers in between. Each of those four goals so she would. accomplish one of those goals, memorize that monologue, and then she would do another one of the activities, those five minute activities off of her appetizer list. She was going to listen to a song, she was going to do a five minute free draw, she was going to dance to another song.
Those are the types of things she was picking off of her appetizer list. And then, at the very end, when she'd accomplished all four of these tasks, she chose an entree. And a dessert that she was going to do. So it was kind of a thing that she was looking forward to that was motivating her to make it through this challenging task.
And for her, she loves editing videos and pictures into little, stories. And she likes to share them with her family and friends. And so that was the entree that she did when she accomplished these goals. And then her dessert app, she loves watching YouTube videos, like lots of kids. So she, saved her YouTube time to be her dessert once she'd accomplished all of this.
So that is how I use the motivation menu. And it can be really helpful. A couple little final little, tips here. It's really important to schedule breaks. Notice in the second example, I gave about my daughter, she was scheduling in these items off the motivation menu into regular breaks. So she didn't just try to do it all at once.
That would have caused more overwhelm. She probably would have shut down and stopped and not made any more progress towards her goals. So you're going to be wanting to integrate these dopamine boosting activities into The schedule into the tasks that need to be accomplished. If it's not just like a one and done kind of task, use these, motivation menu items as breaks to recharge and refocus your child's energy.
The other thing you want to do is use this motivation menu to help your child prioritize to learn about moderation to talk about. Oh, gosh, why do we put these things in the dessert category? Well, they can be somewhat addictive. Once you get onto a screen. Sometimes it's hard to be motivated to do anything else.
It impacts your mood. You get even less motivated to do things. So helping your child assess and have a really honest discussion about how they feel after they do one of these dessert items so that they can choose those the times to do the dessert items on their menu at times when it's not going to negatively impact their motivation.
to do the things that they need to do or have to do. The other suggestion is to continue to evaluate and adjust periodically, go through the motivation menu with your child, see what's working well, see what could be improved. Maybe you need to adjust, remove a few items, add a few new ones based on your child's changing needs, interests, their goals, their priorities.
So this motivation menu is a really valuable tool and you might be wondering, okay it sounds great but Like also sounds kind of complicated. Well, I'm here to provide you with a little gift. I have a link in the show notes for a motivation menu packet. And this is downloadable PDFs, and it's going to give you a blank template to help your child create their own motivation menu.
Or maybe you and your child can each create your own side by side. Body doubling, create your own motivation menu. Both try the strategy together. You're also going to find a sample motivation menu that's already partially filled out for you, so you can kind see how one looks. I've also provided you with a brainstormed List of things that can fit easily into those four categories, appetizers, entrees, sides and desserts to help you with your brainstorming to give you some ideas and then you can go from there.
And there's also a one page description kind of taking you through the basics of what I covered on this episode in terms of how to. Create a motivation menu, why they work well, et cetera. So that is all for this topic. I hope you find this discussion and tools that I highlighted for you, , to help you support your child who maybe struggles with motivation, provide you with some tools and strategies that are very effective.
I know because I've used them myself and use them with my kids and also have suggested them with Clients that have worked with in my coaching practice and the 3d parent village. So try them out. Let me know if it's working for you. Feel free to reach out if you have questions, or of course, if you'd like some more support on this topic or any parenting challenge that you may be facing with your family.
Thanks for joining me and listening to the 3d parent podcast today.
