Hello, everyone, and welcome to episode number 99 of the 3d parent podcast. Today is another special episode where I will be having a parent coach session that you're going to get to sit in and listen in on this one I'm kind of nicknaming tween drama mama.
Let me tell you a little bit about my guest, Natasha. Natasha is a single mom of two girls. One is almost seven. The other is newly 11. Natasha's favorite title is Mommy. And the girls enjoy spending time with each other, playing games, arts and crafts, and jumping on a paddle board. Welcome to the podcast, Natasha.
Thanks, Bevan. It's also worth noting that Natasha is a friend, and oftentimes we're talking about our kids. And this whole transition from childhood to the tween mode and then coming into the adolescence, it's a lot. And we talk about it a lot. Friend to friend. It's something. It is. It is. And I'm like, hey.
Let's let's work out some of this stuff on the podcast because I know it's very relatable and I've been through it before as you know, and I would love to help you with some of your current challenges parenting a tween. I'm going to read in the three main questions that you wrote to me about seeking some support.
So here's from Natasha. She wrote, we seem to be very trend oriented like all of the girls in the class. My concern is superficiality placing value on materialistic things and incessantly talking about brands. Second point of concern. My oldest is extremely sweet, emotional and sensitive, but with this new influx of hormones, we are experiencing some off cuff rude moments and coming back at me.
We have a great relationship and I wanted to stay that way. So just looking for some tips on how to not get frustrated. It's a big, tall order, but I'm here to try and support you that way, Natasha. And then the third
Question, as my daughter, continues to grow up at what point should I start taking my hands off the wheel? And when should I give extra supports when it has to do with intervening with problems with friendships or schoolwork or things of that nature. So those are kind of like the three kind of main things that you are seeking some support, but kind of in general, just like What is this phase of parenting all about?
It feels a bit daunting, correct? Tweenage years, yes.
I don't remember having tweenage isms. I remember being a kid and then a teenager. This new tweenage terminology is, uh, I, I, yeah, it's something. Like I said, it's something. Funny.
The way I like to approach any type of challenges coming up for either myself with my kids or supporting parents in my work is I always like to start off first by getting a sense of direction and doing so by kind of thinking about the problems at hand and then scanning the situation with three really basic simple questions.
Number one, is it my child? Meaning is root of the something having to do with something going on with my kid. Number two, Is it me? Is the root of the issue something going on for me? And question number three, is it us? Meaning the relationship, is there something going on at that relationship level within my relationship with an individual child or the entire family as a whole?
So with the questions that you sent in to me, In this general phase, it's kind of like, checkbox yes, checkbox yes, checkbox yes. But let's dig a little deeper. Okay, first, is it your child? Is there something going on for your daughter developmentally at age 11, the beginning of this kind of tween, pre adolescent, early adolescent stage?
Is there something going on for your child that kind of points to where some of these challenges may be stemming from? Absolutely. Yes. So let me give you a little bit more insight there. What is happening within the brain of this young adolescent? Well, the brain is going through serious Renovations is the best way to kind of put it into layman's terms.
There is a pruning of neural pathways. The prefrontal cortex we talk about a lot to become more kind of common lingo to hear about the part of the brain, which is very much in control of thoughts, risk taking impulse control. Well, that is still very much in development. But it's going through a big, big period of being somewhat offline during this period of time when the brain is going through this restructuring.
And it doesn't really, really get finished in that process until our kids are about 25 years of age. So we got some, some time there. But the big thing to put into perspective here is that while that brain is being kind of pruned and restructure, those neural pathways are being kind of reworked here. The ability to regulate Emotions becomes a much more challenging, more like the way your child was when they were under the age of, let's say, five.
So the brain, the ability to not react to strong emotional impulses is not very strong. To be able to have that ability to kind of control and regulate emotions requires the ability to kind of keep more than one feeling in mind at a time to be able to think of different perspectives to be able to hold on to the feeling of love and care about, let's say, my mom.
Well, at the same time, I'm feeling super frustrated by a limit she's setting. Well, when you have a child who has the ability to regulate emotions, they can keep in mind, I love my mom, I care about my mom, I wouldn't want to say or do anything that would be rude or hurtful while they're also managing the frustration.
Well, tweens, teens, this is not something they have a strong ability to do right now because of what's going on in their brain. It's important to keep that in mind. Because that helps us as parents have some empathy. It helps us have more realistic expectations, knowing that our kids are kind of more like their preschool toddler like selves in this area.
So if they have a strong emotion, they're really can only feel that one emotion. That's why they tend to go like this when they were little. So does that sound kind of a little bit like, okay, that makes sense. What I'm seeing right now in terms of that reactivity that you're getting from your daughter. I can think of a specific
example.
Um, you know, I'm fortunate in the fact that my oldest and I have such a strong relationship. There's nothing that she doesn't come home from and kind of unload and dish. Right? So she feels completely safe to just. You know, vomit the emotion. I mean, vomit's a poor word, but just unleash the emotion, right?
She feels like she's in a safe space. And I'm really, really grateful for that. Um, and she doesn't, she doesn't say super hurtful things to me. She always is like, I love you so much, mommy. Like we're, we're still, we still have that great foundation. Right. But the, the limitation and it sounds silly, but I can think of one and it ties into the first question with trends is, Skin care.
So it baffles me that at age 11, these Children are obsessed with skin care. I can't even wrap my head around it. This kid has more skin care products than I do at this point. And I'm 44 with wrinkles. I need them. She doesn't, you know, but this is the trend. And so for her birthday, all of her friends got her skin care.
. This is what they do. This is what they want was the parent. I'm reading through the skin care and I'm like, you're not using this stuff like your little skin only needs a cleanser, maybe a moisturizer and sunscreen. That's it. Right? So she gets super irritated with me because she's got all of this fancy stuff from Sephora and she wants to use it all and she can't.
You know, I've I finally broken through explaining to her over and over again. Yeah. Why there's a limit on what she can use, how much she can use. And she even got a natural consequence. She put two products and broke out for the first time in her life. She's got beautiful, clear skin. I'm like that, that's why.
I'm enacting a limitation. And again, this is a very silly, small example. But I think the frustration with me limiting her could be indicative of bigger issues, right? So that's why I'm coming to you to kind of nip this early on with smaller stuff so that when we get to the bigger stuff, a healthier, it's a healthy dynamic still.
Perfect, perfect way to kind of bring it in a real life example, because in addition to the brain not being really great at this agent stage of being able to regulate emotions, this period of growth up until they leave the nest is all about it. individuation, becoming one one's own person. And part of that comes hand in hand with a lot of counter will opposition.
It's built into their brain and it's supposed to be, there's actually an indication of healthy growth and development, pushing back against parents and becoming your own person with your own mind. Not super fun to be on the receiving end of that differentiation, but nevertheless, it is an indication that when you're like, Hey, I don't like this.
This is not my value. You don't need this for her to be like, I want it. I want it. This is what I know. So I'm into this part of who I am. You're pushing up against this natural force in her brain that says, I want to have my own mind. And the more you push back against my mind, the more I'm going to push back the other direction.
So it's something that's It's important to kind of keep in mind so that you can, strategically have conversations when that really strong counter will is not kind of already showing up in the dynamic. The other thing that is really important to keep in mind when it comes to, is it my child is where they are developmentally.
It's helpful to think about it almost like a bridge. There's somewhere on this bridge between childhood and adulthood, young adulthood, somewhere on that bridge. And when you have a tween, teen, they on a moment to moment might be on one closer to one side of the bridge or the other. So when you're thinking about your child, like sometimes my child's acting like a toddler.
Well, he might just be in that mode. In their more childlike state, not as is able to kind of cope with things. More on that a little bit more when we get to that question about how much do I intervene? How much do I support? Sometimes they're more like they're more mature self. So always keeping in mind that analogy, but let's move on to, is it me?
Well, yes, this is the first time you've done this, right? You're like, How do I raise a tween? This feels very different. Also, yes, we have stuff going on in our own lives. Also, depending upon where you are in your own, you know, spectrum of maturing, right? Some of us are raising tweens with all these hormones while we're going through perimenopause, menopause ourselves, also a period where emotional regulation is not super great.
Yes, I would agree with that. So we're dealing with our own stuff here. And also sometimes this shift feels really uncomfortable. We want our babies to say our babies forever. Yet it's that kind of like really, really harsh reality that actually no, if I'm doing my job right, my kid's not going to need me.
Eventually, they're always going to love me. I'm always going to love them. We're always going to have this tight bond, but if I'm doing this right, my child will not need me. And ouch, that hurts, especially if we have so much of our value in being the best parents we can for our kids. As you said, your favorite title is being mommy.
I totally relate to that. And if you're doing mommy right. Your kids not going to need you to solve their problems forever. So kind of getting emotional. I'm like, no, that is actually part of your assignment. Natasha is to be going through these stages and feeling the grief associated with it, and knowing that this is not the end.
of being mommy. It's also the beginning of this next phase. And I have a young adult child. It keeps getting better. Natasha. I'm letting you know that these are not the easiest years, but the relationship you're going to have with your adult child. Oh my gosh. It's going to blow this out of the water. And they're always your baby.
Come on. They're always, I know.
And I, you know, it is, I hear you and I know I recognize it. I, I feel like even the conversations I'm able to have with her now are fun. She's like a little mini grown up and I'm like, we're having this conversation and she's super, You know, when you say emotions and unable to regulate that really resonates because she and I know we have to get to the us, but I just want to bring this up before I squirrel trail and forget to say it out loud.
You know, she, she's hit this stage and I didn't write this into the questions, but this is something that popped up this weekend. So I do kind of want to, if we can work this in. Her emotions, she will just start crying and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it and dive in and it came out that she's super Worried that kids are gossiping about her and, and all the things.
And that broke my heart. Cause I just, again, I don't, and you know, I know that I'm old and I don't remember a lot, but I don't remember going through this at such a young age. I feel like they're maturing so much faster that I kind of thought I had a few more years before we got to this. Are they talking about me?
Do I have a Lulu lemon bag? Like this to me was more high school. I don't remember it being so much. Not even junior high. She's in fifth grade, you know? Well,
we did not grow up with the amount of. media influence the the way in which , our kids are being marketed to the, you know, even if we don't have our allow our kids to have tons and tons of screen time, their peers might have more.
There's just so much that are being exposed to the younger and younger ages. We were not growing up in that world. So yeah, the world does move at rapid speed. But it's not all like gloom doom. It's just different. And so we're just navigating these things differently to put a little spin on that. In some ways, it's a blessing because where our kids are developmentally, like I said, there's somewhere on that bridge.
Well, let's be real. Your 11 year old is closer to her more childlike younger child state than she will be when she's let's say 16 or 17. So So she's looking to you even more for support, for influence, for then she might be when she is a bit older, just developmentally. So there are some, some benefits to the fact that they're going through some of these things younger because of where you are in terms of your relationship and your role is, is a bit more conducive to being able to have even more influence.
In your child's life, then perhaps their peers do so we can capitalize off of it's happening sooner. Well, in some ways that is going to make it a little easier to navigate than if you're trying to still impart your values and influence the older your child is. so in terms of is it me, you know, take keep in mind how you might be struggling with this shift.
Keep in mind how you are shifting in terms of your role very much with a young child. You are like in the driver's seat. You know, you're that mama duck with the ducklings and now things are shifting a bit more to be that you're still the one that is in the lead. You're still being that what I call the nurturing alpha, but it's a little bit more sideline coach as opposed to in the driver's seat.
So it's, it's important to keep that in mind so that you recognize that kind of ties in a little bit to that. Like how much do I intervene? How much do I deal, gosh, we're having a big emotional meltdown. What do I need to be right now? Which is what I'm going to get to right now. So before we get to, is this us kind of just layering in a little bit more about you where the challenges may lie, okay, how do I define myself in this role?
I tried to come up with a fun, cutesy little acronym. and I came up with one that I think you're going to like, which is who do I need to be for my child during the tween teen years? And I came up with an acronym of you need to embody the role of spa. S-P-A-A, which is supportive, pleasant, approachable adult.
So you need to think about how can I be spa like for my child, supportive, pleasant, approachable. So my child will keep on showing up. So just really quickly, some key things to keep in mind. If you're going to show up in this spa, like embodiment, I'll just say spa parents don't take their child's moodiness personally.
They don't make their children feel responsible for their feelings, reactions, or mistakes. Understand their children may not always want to talk. They don't constantly pepper their children with questions, but rather make themselves available when their children is ready or wants to talk. Spas are curious, but hold the judgmental.
Aspects of listening. So they're curious when their Children's make just decision statements are interested in trends or make declarations that may not be the parents preference. They stay in this mode of curiosity versus jumping into being very directive or judgmental. Spas don't always go into fix it suggestion mode unless it's explicitly asked for or consented to.
The tough one, I know. Spas do not expect perfection, but rather see mistakes and failures as learning opportunities. Spas do not tell their teens or tweens that their ideas are unrealistic. Idealistic, wrong or bad spas do not threaten or issue punishments for mistakes or moodiness or other things that are developmentally normal for tweens and teens.
That's also can be a tricky one at times and spas above all else are good listeners. So that is kind of like who you need to be right now. You need to be a spa for your child. Okay. Can you send me that
list?
I sure will. I was going to say, I will send that to you and it will be in the show notes also for those of you listening in.
So let's get to the last scan of situation, which is, is it as yes, of course the relationship is shifting in this developmental stage is full of tension. It's designed to be, because again, Our children are differentiating. They're becoming their own people that is full of tension when it comes to that dynamic.
So you keep your eye on it because like you said, you don't want to lose this close relationship during this period that is full of built in tensions. So make sure that you're tempering your emotional reactivity to some of that tension so that you don't end up in a negative relationship cycle. If we meet snark with snark, If we meet rudeness with rudeness, we're stuck in a negative relationship cycle.
We're the adults in the situation. We have to learn to temper our emotional reactivity and buy ourselves time and have a lot of empathy for our kids. Diving in now with a little bit more, focus on the questions, but any questions about kind of what I kind of breezed through there in terms of kind of the assessment and making sense of the root of these challenges.
Any questions about that before we get into these three? No,
I did. I did have a thought. Cause you said, you know, don't be judgmental, just be curious. And one thing that she has said is like, you, you don't want to hear about my likes. And sometimes, and for me, it's like, I don't view liking Lululemon and clothing as a like, right?
So for me, it's hard to reconcile, supporting that because the other side of me is I don't want her placing all of her value on brands and materialistic items. I don't want her to get in that habit of, super consumerism brings happiness. Right. So I'm trying to combat that. But then I still buy her stuff, right?
Because that's what she asked for, for her birthday and whatever. So it's like, you know, it's a, it's a hard line, you know, of like supporting, but also getting the messaging across that, Hey, well, you like this stuff and it's cute. This cannot define
who you are, you know, right? I think that's a perfect way because we're going to jump right into that question.
The question about the trends, the kind of wanting what everybody else has, the brands, the, you know, the Stanley cups, the things that are just
40 pounds, Stanley cups that get knocked over and make the loudest noise leak. I can't understand it.
Right. Absolutely. At the same time, it's not about you understanding it, right?
It's something that she's interested, she likes as a trend. And let's be real, but like falling for trends, being interested in what your friends have, that's nothing new. It's just the things that our kids are into are like, different than what we were into, right?
You know what? That's true. Cause I mean, I was all about a hyper color t shirt at her age.
So
there we go. And it all kind of is tied to them trying to exploring and figuring out who they are. So it's again, part of what this stage is about this developing their sense of self and then also expressing who they are. And we look at it from an adult lens. which is not what they're looking at these things from.
So I don't know that it's fair to look at this as like, Oh my gosh, she's, you know, going to become this materialistic consumer driven child. We live in a consumer driven society. You know, part of it is like what we're combating as a entire world, right. In terms of how our kids are combated with all this information.
So while you may have some concerns, which are valid in terms of, I want, don't want, Just to kind of think that money grows on trees and that, you know, the latest trend, no matter how much it costs is something that she should have. I think what you need to do is save your judgments. Keep it to yourself.
Talk about it on an adult level with friends and trusted individuals. But no, don't necessarily put that on your child because it's not coming from that place. It's just being influenced by peers and trying to figure out, okay, do I want to follow that trend or not? But the curiosity piece is, Why, why do you want to get that?
Why are you interested in dressing that way? Why is that a brand that you're interested in? Approach it with curiosity, start asking those probing questions, but make sure that they don't sound like. Questions that really let your opinions be known. So it's a little bit of, you know, how do I ask questions for that?
Well, it may be for this one, but the next one that comes up, cause there's going to be another one. Right. So you may have already let the cat out of the bag, but moving forward, you could. You know, gosh, I feel like I may have like made you feel a bit judged about these things. And hey, I followed trends at the time too.
So could be an opportunity for a repair and kind of like reverse course moving forward. But also if a child it's their birthday or it's a holiday where you're going to buy gifts or whatever, and they have these things that they want that are high price, high value. And that's what they want. And it's within your budget of what you want to spend.
Like, who are you to say, unless it's something that you think could cause harm to the child, that's how they want. They are gifts to be going towards. It could be, it could be any sorts of things, but if they really want the Stanley cup and the Lulu lemon sweatshirt, and that's all they're going to get.
Because that. blows the budget, then who are we to say that that's a bad use of, you know, their birthday wishes. That said, the time between those events, those birthdays and everything, it could be a great opportunity if you don't already have a system set up for kind of like an allowance. This could be a great place to kind of help a kid get a sense of what things cost because suddenly very expensive trends if they have to use their own money to buy that Sephora product and they're like, gosh, 40 on this face cream to reduce wrinkles.
Yes. And we've done that. We've gone into Sephora and she's been like, mom, it's 30. And I'm like, yeah, I know kid.
Absolutely. So when they're having to, if they have a limited amount, which I encourage huge allowances, but a limit amount that they can use, you still get to have the final say, if you're just absolutely not okay with something, you know, if your kids saved a bunch of money and they want to buy a phone and you're not ready for a phone yet.
Yep. That's a no. You can save that money when I do say you can get a phone if you whatever, but it's, you do get the final say, look, no, I'm not gonna let you buy that skin cream. It can actually cause you to get a rash. So you do get that final say, but if it's something that's not going to cause them harm, and that's why we want to spend their money, then they're going to get to recognize, wow, I spent all 40 in that face cream.
And now I want to buy, you know, a bag of candy and I got nothing left. to spend money on because I bought it on that stupid face. Maybe I don't want to just jump on board with every latest trend anymore. Or maybe they do, but just helping them kind of get the sense of the value of money. They may be a bit more thoughtful about the cost of things, or because I really want that Lululemon sweatshirt cost a lot of money.
Let me see if I can get it. used. Let me see if we can find one for less money. Let me see if I can find a way to have the things that I want, but actually reused, you know, be responsible consumer. All those things can be tied into that. And I think again, it's just that curiosity and not jumping into judgment mode, because again, remember this period of time, individuation, becoming their own person.
If they feel judged by us. They might start resisting our influence. They may move faster to separate than is best for them. So again, being that spa parent is one that is approachable and approachable people don't judge us.
Right. So let me, let me lead you into the next question because I can tie it into the wrapping up this one.
So the, the coming back a little bit and the, you know, pointing of the finger back at me, she goes. Okay. Well, mom, there's your Instagram makeup. You bought the trend and I'm like, oh yeah. Okay. But I mean, it's, but I'm not used to that coming back at me pointing the finger and I get a little, I feel some sort of way, that's my next question is like with the coming back at me.
You know, she's a sweet kid, so it's not super nasty. It's not like, it's not hurtful. It just still snapped back sometimes. And I'm like, where did that come from? That's new.
Well, you touched a nerve. Right? And she's having a response to that. So I think the best thing to do now segueing into this, like, responding to sass, rudeness, things of that nature, is we have to hold ourselves accountable.
Are we, is it coming off of the way in which we have been communicating? We have to hold ourselves accountable and know that we're modeling behavior, we're modeling communication. We don't earn the right to be snarky, sarcastic, judgmental, Because we're parents, right? So I think, and I'm not saying you're doing that, but, you know, all of us probably have a little bit of growth area that probably could come in the way in which we can be better, do better, learn more.
Yes, but it's one thing to think about there, just in terms of like, Huh, did I touch a nerve? Here's what I want you to keep in mind, Natasha, all behavior is communication. So if that is. The behavior you're getting, that snarkiness, it's communicating something. She's feeling a certain kind of way. So it gives you this invitation to kind of pause for a minute and think, huh.
Did I provoke that? Did I push a button? Now, of course, we want our kids to not be rude, but we're human and they don't have a great control over their reactivity. So I think we need to lead first with looking in first and think, Hmm, did I do something that caused that response? And it might have been a response that was warranted.
In some instances, not always, right? So the first thing to do when your child gives you that like sass, that snarkiness, maybe let's say even unprovoked, you didn't do anything. It just came out of nowhere, right? Give me water. I'm thirsty. You know, like out of nowhere, it's just like a demand that was issued really like abrasively.
The first thing I want you to keep in mind, Natasha, is this like internal little message that's going to play on repeat, which is Do no harm. So the first thing when you want to react is I want you to pause and think, do no harm. So we don't want to respond immediately with rudeness. and bring on an escalation ourselves or further fuel an escalation by responding to rudeness with rudeness or snark or judgment or shame.
So the first thing you're going to do is do no harm and then that will just give you this quick little like, okay, How do I respond? I'll give you that second to get your own prefrontal cortex on board to be able to choose how you respond. Okay. Remembering that it's probably something from something going on for the child.
She probably is struggling with emotional, dysregulation in that moment. The other phrase, and this is borrowing from, , Dr. Ross green. He always says when kids can do better, they do better. So remind yourself that she's doing the best she can right now. Doesn't make it okay. But I know I've got this sweet, kind child.
Yeah.
There's something going on right now where she cannot live up to who she truly is inside.
And she can't even voice it because I'll say, why did you just talk to me that way? They don't know. I don't know. Absolutely. Like, okay. All right. Well, let's try to figure it
out. So that's so helpful to remember that they may not know.
And again, they're right now their brains are not online a lot. They're more impulsive, more like their preschool selves. And this is kind of where it comes out. Usually in this day to day snark. rudeness comebacks. It's impulse driven. It's not thought driven. It's not tied to who they are and their character.
They wish they weren't like this too.
Right. She always goes, I love you, mommy. I don't know why she said that. I'm like, okay.
And so let me find you. Can we find humor around it? I'm glad you mentioned that. You say like, why did you do that? Or why did you talk that way? It's probably not gonna be helpful to ask that question once we understand it's coming from impulse.
It's coming from how she's feeling inside. For some reason, something has restored up. So why are you doing that? I don't know. And it's kind of pointing them towards them feeling completely Lulu, which we all know all all tweens and teens to some degree. They're volatile. And they don't always know why. So helping them, identify why they did that isn't always helpful, but you being the parent, you being the spa in the situation are going to be able to first not fuel that by coming at it with frustration driven behavior yourself and understand that something's going on right now for, for her.
So instead say what you see or what you hear. So give me my water now. You seem really frustrated. I'll go ahead and get your water. I'm sure you didn't mean to use that tone of voice. You can draw attention to it without shaming her for it. So go for what you know is likely driving that behavior in the first place.
you also might, , let's say She's coming at you with a lot of snark and a lot of let's say fighting over the support products that kind of a situation is going on here, like, you know, I just, I don't know why you're trying to buy all those types of things well I like them I want them I think they're cool and you realize that you're kind of going at it.
You can go ahead right there and rather than trying to control her, control yourself, set a boundary. Hey, you know what? We're going to talk about this later. And instead of saying you're making me mad, blaming your child, making them responsible for your feelings, because they're not right. It's okay, though, to say, I'm feeling myself getting frustrated right now.
So we're going to pause this conversation. We can talk about it later. It's okay to name that. I also think it can be okay. , we talk in our household might be a bit unusual, but maybe not. We actually use the language of dysregulated. So I will say to my kids, particularly, I've got 11 and a half year old also like, Hey, you know what?
I'm feeling myself getting emotional and dysregulated right now. I'm going to need to pause this conversation. We'll return to it later. I'm modeling for her. How you set a boundary and take responsibility for your own behavior and naming it. But I'm not saying you're making me mad. You're making me frustrated.
You're being rude and it's making me get that way because that is pointing towards a child towards feeling shamed. That is going to cause harm to your relationship with your child.
The other thing to keep in mind is that if you're starting to get at it, you also have the opportunity to pause. And say, I'm sorry, can we have a redo? Can we try this again? So you can, rather than stepping away from the conversation, say, Oh, we're doing that thing, make the dynamic, the thing so that it's not, it could be almost like, Hey, we're going to try not to get at it again about things we're disagreeing or don't understand, or don't see eye to eye on.
If you start getting into that cycle. Oh, we're doing that cycle again. We're doing that thing again. Let's pause. Let's start over. Sometimes we can just get into a bad vibe first thing in the morning. People are stressed out. We're getting at each other. Yes. Pausing and saying, let's restart the day. Can we do a redo?
Everything deescalates together. We've called out the dynamic. We haven't made it be about personal attacks. And we both agree to refresh, start again, reboot.
the other thing you can do when you blow it because we're humans, we're going to blow it is to make sure to always repair, go back. It is that I'm good at that. I'm good at
absolutely always go back and say, I'm sorry, reacted this way. Or, I was frustrated, you've helped a lot with that over the years.
Yes. The reparation.
Absolutely. And you do so taking responsibility for your own actions, your own missteps, your own mistakes without justifying it. No, you are being rude. Nope. Yeah.
Yeah. They
were being rude, but that still doesn't justify us.
I'm sorry, but
exactly. No, but apologies. And we also don't force an apology from our child.
It will come naturally. It frequently does, but we don't force it. We model how you do that and then pause and oftentimes our kids will respond to, but we don't force an apology. We just move on with life. They don't owe us one, but they hopefully will feel compelled to give one. And that does happen.
And it is like, oh my gosh, we're getting there. We're, we're getting to that stage of development. When our kids take responsibility and accountability for their own actions without us having to shove their noses in their own Poop and you will get there and continue to get there the more you model it.
Okay. Moving on to your last question before we're out of time here, which is how much do we intervene when our kids are struggling with friendships with, oh my gosh, I got behind in my homework. How much do we intervene? Back at the beginning of this talk, when we were discussing kind of your child, children being on that developmental bridge, right?
You need to, as the spa parent of a tween, you need to be able to do a quick scan of your child and assess where is my child right now in terms of that developmental bridge. When it seems like, oh my gosh, they are just Completely melting down constantly today. Everything is a big thing. They are just really, really struggling with emotional regulation in general.
They're closer to their younger version of themselves. They need more support, more interventions like you would if you had a younger child. If they feel like, Oh, actually they kind of have it together right now. They're kind of showing more of their mature side. And then you get some of that snark that comes out of kind of nowhere or something.
Okay. Hmm. So they, they seem closer to their more mature side of themselves. So you can expect more out of them. I'll give you a quick little example here in terms of your child, my own firstborn really struggling with stress over like homework, falling behind on projects was just reading,
reading as ours.
Okay. So getting behind on reading assignments, things like that. There was a particular day I can think of when my daughter was, I think early middle school, maybe sixth, seventh grade, just melting down. But we just have a way we do things in our household. After you finish a meal, everybody's responsible for clearing.
the table, bringing their dishes to the sink. This particular day, she was way closer to her younger childlike self, just frustrated about everything. She left the table and I saw that the plate was left at her space. I did a quick little thinking about who she was in that moment, and I'm like, you know what?
She can't do better right now. She is really, really struggling. And on that particular occasion, just moved the plate myself and just let it go. Another day, the next day or the day after a similar thing happened. And I knew she could do better. She wasn't emotionally dysregulated and melting down. And so I was able to say, Hey, get back on here.
Oh, you know how we do things around here. I know I can count on you too. And then she knew what to do. She could handle it. It wasn't a big thing. It was just kind of like, I know I can. expect more out of her. That's kind of like a minor example, just in terms of kind of like, can my child live up to these expectations right now in this moment when it has to do with, Oh my gosh, they're struggling.
Oh my gosh, they're melting down. Well, we can't do the work of growing up for our children. So what we need to think about is, is this an opportunity for me just to listen and to be that. person is the safe place for our child to kind of really kind of let a lot of motion out and that's us be there to support them.
We can't prevent our Children from being wounded out there from friendships, from disappointments, from getting a bad grade. But we can consistently be there showing up for them. Just loving on them, but not trying to solve their problems for them. But sometimes they may get themselves into really, really, really more challenging territory, in which case we need to help our kids learn how one navigates a situation.
So we may partner, we may be the coach. We may come along our child in those moments. I'll give you a quick example of that as well. My, firstborn has some learning differences. She had a pop quiz in her. I think it was seventh grade classroom. She based on her learning plan was supposed to have extended time.
I mean, pop quizzes. Fine, but she's supposed to get extended time. She didn't get extended time. She panicked. She had that quiz. She didn't finish it. She ended up folding it up, sticking in her pocket and coming home. And I discovered it when I was doing laundry. That's kind of weird. Why is this quiz here?
Came to find out that she panicked in that moment and was hoping the teacher would think that she had lost my daughter's quiz and it was her fault. And my daughter could just play this like, Oh, I don't know what happened to it. That's weird. I turned it in, right? Totally in a. A big, big mistake, but she was like, I don't know what to do.
This feels too big. It was overwhelming. So I said, we're going to have to deal with this. We're going to have to go in there together. We're going to have to face this, but I will come with you because Yeah, you also didn't have your accommodations met. I'm going to support you in how to self advocate. So I came along with her partnered.
We planned it out ahead of time, but she had to do the talking and I was just there to support her and ask some questions. So it's kind of knowing how big, cause eventually they're going to have to learn to do this by themselves. So listening. And then when your child is letting all these emotions come out, ask a question, unless you already know, like in the situation with the, the hiding the quiz, say, do you just want to let me know what's going on and have my support or would you like some suggestions?
Ask for some support. Let your kids figure these things out. Any questions about that? No, you've been quite helpful. Thank you. I think that the final point on that is that we want our kids to feel like empowered. We want them to feel like we believe in them. And if we're always going in there and fighting their fights for them and, telling them what to do, we're not empowering them to figure some things out for themselves, which they need to do mistakes and all.
So. And off the wheel sometimes hands off the wheel sometimes let them crash and burn. They're going to learn a lot from that. These are so many great questions that you brought up, Natasha. I know it can be very relatable. Thank you so much for your willingness to come on the podcast before we go.
I always love to end by asking my guests to share something that they love to do as a family. What do you love to do with your girls to find that sense of connection with them?
There are so many things. I mean, I just like being with my kids, but I think the thing that everyone gets connected with is they already started asking this is planting stuff.
We've garden boxes and they they genuinely get excited to go out there and start the season and plant things together. And and we kind of all collectively learn because I'm not naturally, I don't have a green thumb. So. We kind of collectively learn and try to grow stuff and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but we all have a stake in it together and I feel like that creates a pretty cool connection.
That's awesome. It's like the gardening but also learning something together that you, none of you know how to do. So it's kind of like we're in it together. We're going to learn this new skill. That's so sweet. That's inspiring. I kind of think I might need to get my, my kids in on gardening this year. It might help my youngest eat some veggies if she grows them herself.
Yeah, I know. That's my hope too. Thanks so much Natasha for coming on the podcast with these questions. , I will send you, the notes from this and also anybody listening in will be able to get particularly those, who do you need to be the spa parent? Kind of bullet points, kind of maybe print it out, put it in, you know, Your mirror so you could read it each day.
Remind yourself who you need to be for your daughter today and hold yourself accountable. But you're, I know you're doing a great job because, you're showing up every day. This is just the first time you've done this with your girls. So yeah. All right. Thanks. Thanks for coming on the podcast.
