Hello, and welcome to episode number 96. Of the 3d parent podcast inconsistency, a powerful tool with strong willed children. That is the topic for today. I thought I'd be a little bit controversial for all of us that are parents or have been exposed to parenting advice throughout the years. There is this kind of widely accepted idea that consistency is essential to effective discipline and There are very few people who would argue that.
I'm going to do so today, but I'm going to do so by first talking about what is really important when it comes to consistency in parenting. I'm not talking about your routines or the structures that you have set up, things like bedtime, mealtime, how you run your mornings or how you manage your child's screen time.
The routines and structures that you have set up around those common areas of challenge or conflict. Those are great, and they really can protect or maintain the health of the family, the family culture, they provide a sense of security and comfort. For children, which is all really helpful and conducive to their growth and emotional well being.
And then when you have a routine that is working for you, great. It's best not to deviate from it. However, sometimes there is a good reason to do so. And when you are parenting a strong willed child, that's a good reason to sometimes look at the parenting decisions that you're making and 📍 embrace the unique joys and challenges that come with raising a strong willed child and think somewhat outside the box.
So when I'm talking about embracing inconsistency in your parenting, this is a tool or a strategy that I'm going to talk about that really is helpful if you have one of these strong willed alpha children in your household. I'm talking about inconsistency when it comes to discipline in particular parenting decisions that you are going to make that are perhaps feeling unpredictable.
The lack of predictability when it comes to leading strong willed children can be really Really beneficial. What it requires, though, is for you to really focus on attuning to the needs of your children and determining what might be most beneficial or needed in a particular moment. It does require a parent to be pretty flexible and adaptable.
So I'm going to challenge any of you out there who have these strong willed children, sometimes called defiant or oppositional, I'm going to challenge you to rethink your thoughts around consistency. But first, I want to highlight. What really is essential, no matter the temperament of your child, when it comes to being consistent outside of the structured rules and schedules and routines that you might have set up that are working well for you, things that really need to be consistent are you and your role.
And that is the role I talk about at the 3d parent, which is being the role of the nurturing alpha. You need to be really consistent and showing up every day in all of your interactions. As these parts, these two different parts the embodiment of what it is to be a nurturing alpha. So you're going to be providing a secure attachment and focusing on that nurturing that relationship with your child.
It is important that you do so for the emotional and social development of your child. For parents of strong willed children, fostering the secure attachment. It's really essential. It's essential for all children, but when you have a strong, real child, it can become more challenging to do so yet even more necessary because that sturdy foundation is going to help you navigate the complexities of the spirited nature of your child.
So it is essential that you're able to establish a sense of trust and your ability to provide emotional support. So that you can provide for your child a sense of a safe haven for your child to kind of explore their world and express their unique personalities. When a strong willed child feels safe and secure in relationship with those taking care of them from teachers to parents, you will notice a drastic decrease in oppositional behaviors.
So that alone is a good reason to really invest a lot of focus into nurturing this relationship with your child, all children, but why it is even that much more important for kids that have these really strong, intense. Wills. Working for them and somewhat against you and leading them. It is always our role as the nurturing alphas to be in the lead when it comes to.
Nurturing this bond, this connection with our children. The second part of being the nurturing alpha beside the nurturing part is the alpha part. And that is the need to consistently be showing up as the strong leader of your household. Focusing on guiding, teaching, leading versus controlling your children.
That is the essence of being this nurturing alpha and the alpha side of that. So you are still going to be setting those limits. You are still going to be harnessing your child's attachment in syncs so that they feel inspired to follow your directions, orient to you. That is so important when it comes to parenting all children, especially.
You're spirited and you're, strong-willed children. The other thing that really needs to be consistent in your parenting approach for your children is your attunement, your ability to attune to the current needs of your child. That is so much more important than some blind consistency with your discipline approaches.
So yes, this might look like. inconsistency to your onlookers, but we're not going to pay attention to that because other people who are observing your parenting might think, Oh gosh, that doesn't seem like a very consistent approach. Or last time I observed this parent, they set this rule and now they're setting a different role.
That's, that's not consistent. Therefore, that is not good parenting. We're going to ignore that. And we're going to focus instead on creating a more nuanced approach to parenting because. Those parenting approaches and strategies that work for other kids, kids that maybe are not quite so strong willed, they may not apply to your child.
One of my 📍 favorite, Psychologists and authors that I follow Dr. Laura Markham, she underscores the importance of adaptability and parenting. This is a quote from her. She says the key to effective parenting lies not in blindly following rules or routines, but in being responsive to the unique needs of each child.
I'm going to repeat that quote. The key to effective parenting lies not in blindly following rules or routines in being responsive to the unique needs of each child. So it's really important that we don't just kind of follow some rules or routines that are not benefiting or working for our child.
Instead, embrace the idea that we may need to reassess and pivot. Parenting decisions that you've made based on some new information, perhaps the parenting decision you made backfired. So we're not going to stick with it. I'm going to now move on to talk about kind of some of the challenges specific to parenting strong willed kids and specifically why being inconsistent or utilizing novelty can really benefit.
You and your parenting, because keeping strong willed kids on their toes, it becomes as powerful and effective parenting strategy 📍 because 📍 it gets your child's attention because you're strong willed child often possesses a very strong sense of self. That is a great thing, right? But because of that, they may vehemently resist.
conventional discipline methods. This is actually a good thing. I may not feel like it in the moment when you're parenting a strong willed child, that's got a lot of what, Otto rank, a psychologist, a German psychologist has coined as counter will, which is this self preservation instinct, which is important for.
Safety. It's what moves a child away from following someone that they do not know, or they don't feel connected to, and listening to their own will versus the will of others. And it's also an important and essential part of the ability to differentiate oneself when you're an emerging adolescent, an emerging adult.
So it allows a person to kind of hold onto their own sense of self and their own will, which is great. However, when we're parenting one of these strong willed kids, and we're trying to inspire them to listen, to follow, to take our direction, if we're constantly pushing up against that counter will, it gives way to ongoing power struggles and battles of wills.
So we want to do away with the parenting techniques and strategies that are bringing on more power struggles and battles of wills with your strong willed child. So some really common parenting tactics that tend to not do great when it comes to parenting our strong willed children, things like offering choices.
This is a very common positive discipline. Technique and it can work out fine for your less spicy children for your kids who are strong willed offering choices feels like just another form of control and therefore kids will tend to figure it out real quick and will push back. Oh, I don't like those choices.
I want something else. Another tactic that is very common and backfires are 3 2 1 countdowns. My youngest, probably my strongest willed child out of my four, really does not respond well to 3 2 1 countdowns. These are not tactics that I use. And without fully throwing my husband under the bus, this is something that he uses.
Three, two, one countdowns when they were little, it did tend to kind of help a child feel like, Oh, attention time to do something about my very strong willed youngest basically called my husband out on that strategy and when he'd say, All right. Do this thing. Three, two, one. She'd say, Hey, you know, dad, I know nothing's going to happen when you get to one.
So that actually doesn't work for me. See, you got a strong, real child. They can figure things out real quick. And these techniques are going to backfire more often than not. Another thing that is not a great. Technique when it comes to parenting, your strong willed child is asking kids to make decisions, meaning asking them questions.
What do you want to do today? What do you want to do after school? What do you want to have for a snack? What do you want to have for breakfast? When you ask all those questions, it tends to promote more of this strong willed alpha energy in kids. It's best to avoid asking questions or giving them opportunities to voice their opinions.
Frequently. I'm not saying never ask your kids input, but I'm just talking about it in terms of a parenting technique or tactic best to be avoided. These tactics backfire largely because your strong willed child often is also really bright and will outwit, outsmart these parenting techniques as soon as they Recognize what you're doing.
They are also universally allergic to coercion. They know what you're trying to do, and you're trying to control them through this cutesy parenting technique. They sense it and they resist it. They can sense when you are attempting to control them and impose your will on theirs. So any type of parenting technique, which is really a veiled thinly veiled manipulation.
Of trying to impart your will onto your child is best to be avoided. It's not going to work out and it's going to lead you to frustration. And again, a battle of wills with your strong willed child. So avoid them. So rather than adhering to these disciplinary approaches, Parents of strong willed children really benefit most from responsive, dynamic, and at times, unpredictable, inconsistent parenting styles.
You need to recognize that just because maybe it worked with one of your other children, or perhaps other children you've observed, does not mean that it is going to work for your child. Every child is unique and what works for one child is not going to work for another's. And if you're comparing apples to oranges with a easygoing child, with a strong willed child, it's irrelevant.
So instead avoid those things you want to avoid any rigid adherence to discipline strategies doing so for the sake of consistency can pose. A real challenge for parents of strong willed children, children, like I've just stated that are strong willed. They really resist rules that feel not only overly controlling, but also arbitrary.
Why, why can't I do that? And if you're not quicken up with an answer. Our kids are going to run away with it. So avoid those arbitrary rules. That's best to be avoided. Dr. Dan Siegel, a renowned psychiatrist and author, he cautions against this approach as well. This is one of Dr. Siegel's quotes.
Rigidity in parenting can undermine the parent child relationship and impede the child's emotional development. So stop sticking with something that does not work for your child. If you're putting the rules of some parenting strategy in the lead ahead of what your instincts are telling you about your child, you're going to be moving further and further away from really following a sense of direction when it comes to your parenting, you're not going to be tapping into your parenting intuition.
So you need to persist with what is going to work and not what is ineffective. Those discipline strategies that are not working for you persisting with ineffective discipline strategies can increase and exacerbate tensions and strain between the parent child relationship. So I started off talking about how essential it is to create this foundation of a strong, deeply connected attachment.
Well, if you're going to stick with this rigid. By the book's method, it is going to impact your relationship, your bond, your attachment with your child. So that's another reason to avoid rigid adherence to discipline strategies that are not working. Another one of my favorite psychologists and authors, Dr.
Ross Green, who wrote the explosive child. He also highlights the importance of abandoning strategies that are not working. His quote, he states, the goal of discipline is not blind obedience, but teaching problem solving skills and fostering a healthy parent child relationship. So if you're not focusing on obedience is the goal, and instead You're focusing on connecting with your child and teaching and guiding them.
You're going to be on the road towards less frustration and less battles of wills with your strong willed child. So connect with your child, attune to their needs and focus on that. versus Connecting and attuning to a parenting strategy that's not working. Moving on now to how you can leverage this inconsistency in your approach to parenting your strong willed child.
So in addition to fostering the secure attachment and your willingness to be a bit flexible and nuanced in your approach, you want to embrace this idea of unpredictability in your parenting. This is embracing the idea of infusing your parenting with novelty, playfulness, and disorientation. Because this is going to engage your child, your spirited, strong willed child.
It's going to inspire them to pay attention. And the same time is going to foster that deeper connection. So now I'm going to talk a little bit about what I mean by these inconsistent approaches, starting off first with talking about novelty, novelty, something new. You want to create a sense of curiosity in your kids by kind of talking about, Oh, I've got something new, something exciting planned.
Here is a way you can do that. Let's say, oh gosh, I always get some resistance and I find it difficult to lead my strong will child. When there's something that they want to avoid doing, like, getting ready for bed. So create a sense of novelty to help support that action. That might look like this.
Oh my gosh, I've got something really exciting planned. As soon as we've got our teeth brushed and we're in our PJs, I am going to introduce you to this fun, exciting thing, and I can't wait. I can't wait to tell you what that is. So there's something new that's happening. This is something that I implemented into my own parenting, somewhat out of just a degree of, I got to make something work.
My kids are resisting this getting ready for bedtime. And so it came up one time just on this burst of creativity. And I just said, I've got something fun planned. Once we got those PJs on, once we've got our teeth brushed, you're going to meet me in here and we've got something fun planned. And then the kids were getting dressed.
I might have been helping and supporting them a little bit in that action, but I was really focusing on this novel thing that was going to happen. I got to be honest. 95 percent of the time, I didn't even know what that novel thing was. It was just the idea that there was something novel that was about to happen that sparked my kids curiosity, and including my super feisty, strong willed fourth born child they were like, okay, bring it.
What's the new novel thing that's going to happen tonight? And during that Period between me actually introducing the idea that something novel is going to happen, and it actually happening. I had a few minutes in there to kind of come up with something. And I used to just come up with random things or I'd recycle some games I used to play when I was a kid at school, or maybe something I had done on a rainy day recess when I was a teacher, things like.
four corners, things like red light, green light games. I even came up once with this totally on a whim, bizarre game that I called shadow dancer, where we had a flashlight and we would take turns. Somebody was in the middle and we would flash the flashlight on that person. Why we. Sing a song I made up, I called it shadow dancer.
And I would kind of sing the silly shadow dancer song. And everyone would sing along, even though I was just making it up on the 📍 fly, shining a flashlight on them. Someone was dancing and then we would stop singing the song and the person would stop in a pose. And then we would all mimic the pose.
They stopped in. It was just random. It was novel. It sparked curiosity and my kids were all there for it. And so I continued to use this. Ongoing, and since it was working so well, I knew that I could think about more things to introduce during this period of time and not have to always come up with it on the fly.
But it's just an idea that you don't even have to even know where the novel thing is. Just bringing up, there's something exciting to look forward to, and then buying yourself a little time to come up with what that is can be helpful. Other examples of novelty that you can infuse into your parenting, your strong willed child.
Maybe your kids dawdle in the morning, getting ready and dressed for bed. Well, the novelty could be the surprise breakfast that you have planned. You have something unique. I did this also. I just, we were stuck in a bit of a rut, same thing for breakfast every day. I looked up, what do people eat in different countries for breakfast?
And so I kind of created not only. Novelty in what the breakfast item was, but it also became a bit of a kind of traveling around the world and investigating some different cultural foods of different countries. So it was more than just novelty. It was also educational. So think outside the box.
That's another example. Another thing you can do. To create a sense of novelty is give a new challenge, make something more challenging. This can be really helpful. If you have a child who resists doing things that they feel are boring or mundane, and they even get in this power struggle instead, make it more interesting by increasing a
Challenge. So instead of saying, okay, go pick up all of the Lego pieces on the floor. Instead, add a new challenge. Okay. Let's see if you can guess the item I want you to put away by playing a game of I spy. And I don't want you to tell me what this thing is. I'm going to just give you some hints and when you think you know what the thing is that I'm giving hints about, go ahead and pick it up and then I'll know if you got it or not.
Okay. Eyes by with my little eyes, something little, and there's a lot of them. And they are kind of bumpy on top with some dots and they're colorful. Oh, I see you're moving towards something. Okay. Once you finish picking those up, I'm going to let you know if you've got it. Oh, you just finished. You were totally right.
I was completely spying Legos. Okay. Now you do one for me. You tell me something that you spy that needs to be picked up and see if I can guess what it is. And then I'll put those things away. Novelty. I've made it become an interesting new challenge. I'm not saying go pick up those Legos. I've made it more challenging.
I'm giving hints and then you're having to figure out what I am giving hints that I want you to go pick up and then you're going to pick them up and put them away. And then I'll let you know if you got it or not. Novelty, creating extra challenge. The second way in which you can introduce an inconsistent or unpredictable parenting approach is by being playful.
Playfulness serves as a really powerful tool for enhancing parent child interactions. So you can connect with your child playfully versus getting into a battle of wills. I've talked about this quite a bit on my Discipline with Dignity, episode number 89, I talked about the concept of connect before direct.
One of the ways in which I suggested that you do connect before direct is through play. This is a great way to be a bit surprising and how you are going to interact with your child. And you can infuse everyday routines with elements of playfulness and play, and this will spark moments of joy and connection with your child versus fighting and nagging and exploding at your child.
Sounds great. So some examples is really quickly in terms of infusing playfulness. Ideas like rather than saying get your shoes on, making it silly and playful. Oh, here, here are your shoes. I know, you know, to put them on your shoe, on your ear. What did I say? Put your shoes on your ear. I meant put them on your knee.
What? Wait, they don't go on your knee. I'm connecting. I'm being playful. Another way is to say, okay, let's be baby bears and mama bears and climb up the stairs together. I'm being playful. We're being imaginative and it is sparking some interest in my strong willed children. It works out great. My husband loves doing this thing where he pretends to be a horse and he's the bucking Bronco.
So rather than. Time to go upstairs, time to go upstairs. He just gets down on all fours and says, okay, who is going to get the first ride up the stairs of my bucking Bronco? And then he, you know, rears his, his hands up and, you know, makes horse sounds. And, it's a great way to be playful and connect with your child by being kind of interesting, playful, unpredictable.
You don't know what's going to come next. Another way that you can be playful in this approach is if you get a no from your child to respond to the no with humor. So rather than seeing that as an invitation to get into a battle of wills, instead respond to that no from your child with humor. Okay.
Can you go put the plate, the dishes in the sink? No. I think I just heard. I just heard a gorilla. I heard a gorilla just came into the dining room and it replaced my child. Is that, is that an angry gorilla right there going? No, no, no, no, no. Oh my gosh. Can that angry gorilla go bring the plates over to the sink?
No, no, no. I'm going to be silly and playful instead of big. Hey, how dare you say no to me? That doesn't inspire a lot of compliance, does it? Another thing when your kid gives you that no. I forgot it's opposite day. Thanks for reminding me. I meant don't go put the dishes by the sink. What was I thinking?
So you respond with humor that engages kids. They eat that up. The third way that I'm going to suggest that you introduce some kind of unpredictable novel inconsistency to your parenting is by disorienting your child. This is a strategic way of kind of throwing kids off their game. You are keeping them on their toes and kind of breaking a routine.
This can disrupt entrenched patterns of problematic, resistant or defiant behaviors. And kind of get kids prompted to reorient their attention and focus towards you. So some examples of ways that you can disorient your child is to take them to some place that they're not familiar with. They're automatically disoriented.
If you go to a park, you've never been to before, which primes them to automatically orient towards you. So take them outside of their regular environments, keep them on their toes. They're going to be following your lead more naturally without a fight. Another thing you can do to disorient your child is when they are asking for a yes or no answer, and you know, they're hoping for a yes, is to respond with a maybe, or I'll have to think about that.
That gets a child's attention and then they keep coming and looking at you and wondering, and they might ask you again. Yeah, I haven't made a decision about that yet. I'll have to think about that. I have a funny little tidbit of a story, not from one of my children, but I was asked to supervise a class trip on an outdoor learning, overnight trip and my youngest child's school.
And I ended up. Needing to supervise a cabin full of boys that I did not know at all, had no relationship with, and I needed to figure out how to kind of wrangle this group of boys with another parent that we were assigned this group of boys to lead. He was familiar with the kids. I was not one of these kids that really, really was prone towards.
Our struggles definitely had a very, very strong will and I kind of look at this child and I was like, I got my workout cut out for me here. How can I turn on this instinct for him to stay focused and oriented towards me to be looking towards me for. Answers, guidance, and whatnot. Well, the kids were being super rambunctious and they were jumping off their bunks, their bunk beds, and I was like, nope, hard no, safety first, we're not doing that.
And they're like, well, what, what can we jump off of? And I listed a few things I was okay with them, you know, doing, physical, nature. And then this boy said, well, can we jump off the roof? Now, he was expecting me to give of course, a no, you cannot jump off the roof of the cabin, that's ridiculous. What did I say?
I said, you know, I don't know, I'm going to have to think about that. And I'm going to check in with the teachers and the camp counselors at this retreat place, this, overnight outdoor ed spot and find out if it is okay, if they allow jumping off the roof of the cabin. And I played this up pretty well, pretty convincingly because this child kept coming back to me.
Do you know yet if we can jump off the roof? I said, Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I have not gotten the chance to ask yet. If it's okay, we're going to go with no right now, but I'll get back to you when I have a firm answer. This became a thing between me and this child. And guess what? At that point, he started orienting to me.
He was still struggling largely in other places with other teachers and instructors, because again, this is a strong willed child, but he was kind of intrigued. I had disoriented him. I had not given the. Expected response and it kept him connected towards me and granted. I didn't know this child, previously and I was kind of trying to work with the amount of time I had.
I didn't have the luxury of being able to nurture a relationship with this child beyond just this weekend, but it was enough to disorient him. To help him orient towards me and by the end of the trip, he stopped asking and he never got a final answer, but it kept this vibe going between us, which was really beneficial in me being able to lead and guide this child who was strong willed and with whom I did not have a relationship.
Okay, Another way you can disorient your child is to do the unexpected. To show up at school one day when you haven't told them for a surprise lunch out or to bring them a surprise lunch at school. To pick up a little something you see at a store just because, not because it's their birthday or a special occasion, just because that this made me think of you, I knew you'd love this.
I'm not talking about something huge. I'm just talking about a just because it's unexpected. It disorients a child, but in a really beautiful way, right? They're like, gosh, it's so nice. Similarly, you can do something, just a random act of kindness. Maybe one day you just do a chore for them. Maybe it's their job to, give the dog a walk and they don't love doing this.
Hey, you know what? I already gave the dog a walk. Don't worry about it. I took care of it for you today. Random act of kindness. It disorients a child. They're not expecting it, and it can feel really connected. The added bonus of disorienting strong willed kids in these controlled ways, small doses, is it not only Provides an ability for you to lead a strong willed child, but also it gives them an opportunity to adapt to unexpected novel situations, which fosters their resilience and their problem solving skills.
So it's beyond just the ability to lead the child. You're also giving them an opportunity to kind of navigate the unpredictable, which will be helpful for them beyond just. Parenting topics. So final thought, I really want to encourage all of you to embrace the dynamic nature of parenting. All kids, especially our strong willed, more outside the box kids.
Remember that connection and responsiveness are key to nurturing their spirits. And we really need to protect the spirits of our strong willed children. So. Embrace this dynamic approach. I encourage you to think of ways that maybe we're being a bit rigid in your parenting approach right now. And instead try some inconsistent approaches, some novel approaches, some playful approaches, and see what it does to your experience in parenting your strong 📍 willed child.
Thanks for listening today.
